The article below is completely satirical. No animals were hurt in the making of this article.
You're probably wondering what the title above means. What could drive someone to write an article with a title such as that? Well, if you're a fan of Dota 2, you've most likely been watching The International 3. During The International, we saw some surprises and some disappointments. We saw Alliance dominate the entire competition, and we got to see fountain hooking as well.
We also saw murder.
If you've played a match of Dota 2 - and one of the players who were playing support knew what they were doing - you have experienced the unique sensation of having your items delivered to you by a lovely critter. A courier if you will. Yes indeed, I speak of the butchery of 54 digital creatures during the matches at TI3!
Now, now, don't panic, have a sit down. In fact, make yourself a drink. It is all over now. Of course, that still doesn't make it right. Those poor couriers. They are practically defenseless, and after one or two hits, they die unnecessary deaths.
Here below, you can see the true victims of TI3.
The brutal slaughter began with Quantic's Silent in the Wildcard match. Merciless and cruel, he hunted down Rattlesnake's Stumpy courier with arrows set ablaze, well equipped to kill such wooden creatures.
Clearly, the Stumpy did not want to engage in such a fight, yet Silent was focused on his barbaric task of courier destruction.
One would think that this would be enough to satiate the bloodthirstiness that these players have, but oh no, it didn't stop there. As the tournament moved on, couriers were killed left and right, and no one seemed to mind that this senseless violence was continuing. One had to hope that this would stop when the main event started, as surely, Valve would not want this horrific bloodshed on their big screen.
Well, my fellow courier-defenders, you would be wrong. Na'Vi were the first to lay waste to a critter's life. Here, pictured below, you can see clearly that Na'Vi's very own Dendi raced after this defenseless flying Dire Donkey. Perhaps in part, we can forgive the dragon, after all, even dragons must eat.
This didn't stop however, as more innocent couriers fell to the rage of the many players at The International. What was already a terrifying time for the couriers grew even worse when LGD's Sylar snuffed out the delightful Zonkey that is pictured below. This particular Zonkey had just been at the Secret Shop to fetch a Reaver for Era's Shadow Fiend. Upon his journey back, he died an unfortunate death. The Reaver fell with him, much to the dismay of Fnatic.
So, after so much carnage, one would hope that when The International reached its Grand Final, the killing would stop and the couriers could do what they always do, deliver items to their respective teams.
I am sad to say that this was not the case. In fact, both teams lost their couriers to unspeakable acts. To start with, the wonderful and much loved Snowl died to the demonic actions from KuroKy and Funn1k.
In response to this, Alliance made sure to kill off Na'Vi's beloved Weaselcrow. Already, one cries at such an action. Why go for the courier when it was the enemy team that was responsible? But to make things worse, it was the manner of their savagery that raised alarm bells worldwide.
A stampede of trees killed off the Weaselcrow, adding insult to injury.
What can we say about such malicious actions? Am I on my own when I cry out to the heavens, "WON'T SOMEONE PLEEASSEEE THINK OF THE COURIERS?" or am I indeed alone, much like the many innocent couriers that die everyday?
I hope for their sake that I am not alone, and that these horrific murders come to a stop.
If you have been affected by the information and topics featured in this article, please be sure to post in a twitch chat near you the phrase, "ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ SAVE THE COURIERS ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ" and perhaps together, we can end this violence once and for all.
Special thanks to Pact for helping with screenshots and courier death times.